It’s Not Love: Pt 1- The Struggles of Youth in the Jehovah’s Witness Organization

Part One; Parents, Toddlers, and Children

Published by: Miss Usato, Interviewing: Doctor Ryan Lee, Ex-Jehovah’s Witness recovery therapist on March 11th, 2025

In this three-part series, “It’s Not Love,” I’ll explore the experiences of individuals across different life stages within the Jehovah’s Witness organization, focusing on the enduring impacts of spiritual abuse. Part one will be into the experiences of parenting, children, and toddlers. Part two will examine teenagers and young adults, and part three will shed light on marriage mates and the elderly. In this article, I specifically explore the difficulties of toddlers, children, and parenting within the Jehovah’s Witness organization through an interview with Dr. Ryan Lee. A former Jehovah’s Witness turned therapist, Dr. Lee specializes in helping individuals recover from religious trauma and deprogram from high-control groups. He holds a doctorate in clinical psychology and hosts the podcast Welcome to the World, guiding listeners through the journey of awakening, leaving, and moving forward from life as a Jehovah’s Witness.

Jehovah’s Witnesses often preach love, unity, and care as central tenets of their faith. However, beneath this surface lies a darker reality for many who find themselves controlled through various forms of abuse. The Jehovah’s Witness/Watchtower religion (and other fundamentalist religions) can sometimes unintentionally or knowingly support and perpetuate harmful parenting, codependent tendencies, and self-harming practices. It leads to psychological harm in loved ones such as yourself, your children, your partner, and your friends. This is called Spiritual abuse. Often masked by religious doctrine, these mechanisms can profoundly impact members’ emotional, psychological, and physical well-being.

Concerning Parenting in the Organization

For a parent pushed towards control or manipulation -blindly or not, scriptures can be interpreted as undermining a child’s autonomy, authenticity, and capacity to develop self-love, self-care, self-soothing, and self-trust. This can create significant challenges as the child transitions into adulthood. Spiritual abuse can occur when someone uses their religious authority or biblical doctrine to control someone. Some patterns of behavior that are common in religious abuse include guilt, shame, and manipulation.

I am not suggesting that Jehovah’s Witness parents do not care for their children. However, adherence to the organization’s teachings makes parents think this is the only form of love despite the consequences. The high risk in this is the potential of shunning, not allowing blood transfusions, and distaste for personal decisions such as different religious beliefs and homosexuality— Troubling cornerstones that millions have experienced and for which Jehovah’s Witnesses have faced widespread scrutiny. Kids raised as Jehovah’s Witnesses are often denied the freedom to figure things out for themselves and grow into their own identity, and the same goes for the parents, young or old.

Dr. Lee: “Parents are often encouraged to teach their children to seek acceptance and approval—a fundamental instinct in all children. At its core, this desire is a longing for love. Children crave and need love, but with how this organization is, it doesn’t teach healthy ways to seek acceptance or approval- and in the end, though they think it may be, it’s not love.”

Scriptures Jehovah’s Witnesses apply to children

I was born and raised as a Jehovah’s Witness, as was Dr. Lee. Like many of you, we read, prayed, and meditated on the scriptures below. Our lives revolved around the strict teachings of the Holy Scriptures, which were often presented in a dichotomous manner. Anything outside the organization—whether a magazine, a TV show, or even natural and social norms of the world—was considered unsafe for us. Instead, we were raised exclusively on the teachings of the New World Translation of the Holy Scriptures, the publications of the society, and the doctrines the organization crafted around them, dictating how they should be interpreted for life lessons.

Dr. Lee: “The experience of being born into the Jehovah’s Witnesses is one where you are born into an organization that has invested an active interest in completely obliterating and squashing the authentic self. Ideally, when born into a healthy environment, the notion is, ‘Let’s bring this person into the world, see how they are, and nurture them. Help them be comfortable with their emotions. Encourage them in passions and hobbies, Providing a safe context for them to feel safe, but to nurture.’ That is how it is supposed to be.

Now, here is what Jehovah’s Witnesses teach you: ‘You are born bad. There’s a problem with you. You are essentially and fundamentally a little enemy of God. God is unhappy with you because you were born in sin and are imperfect.’ Dr. Lee’s reference about being a little enemy of God is from a talk by Governing Body member Stephen Lett in 2023: ‘Jehovah is the God who gives peace.’ “If you think about it, we are born as enemies of God. Sometimes, you’ll hear people say of a little baby, “Look at that little angel,” but more accurately, we would say, “Look at that little enemy of God.”

“In case you beat him with the rod, he will not die. With the rod you should beat him” -Proverbs 23:13

“Foolishness is tied up with the heart of a boy; the rod of discipline is what will remove it far from him.” -Proverbs 22:15

“The one holding back his rod is hating his son, but the one loving him is he that does look for him with discipline.” -Proverbs 13:24

“Be wrathful, and yet do not sin” -Ephesians 4:26

Empowered by scriptures to be elusive on being abusive, the parent then relentlessly and repetitively breaks the child down with these scriptures:

“You children, be obedient to your parents in everything” -Colossians 3:20

“He that is trusting in his own heart is stupid” -Proverbs 28:26

“Do not lean upon your own understanding” -Proverbs 3:5

“The heart is more treacherous than anything else and is desperate. Who can know it” -Jeremiah 17:9

Obedience and People-pleasing

From your perspective as a former Jehovah’s Witness and practicing therapist, what do you think is the most significant stressor and worry placed on children within the Jehovah’s Witness community?

Dr. Lee: “Children are told that because they are inherently flawed, they are not worthy of unconditional love. Instead, they are taught that love must be earned through strict obedience. That love remains conditional, creating a cycle of striving that feels endless and unattainable as they are continually reminded of their so-called sinful nature.”

Jehovah’s Witness children are also not allowed to celebrate holidays. This goes to the extreme of not wishing their friends a happy birthday, saluting the flag, or participating in extracurricular activities that may influence or sway their attention away from religious meetings or field service, which is a no-go. So, parents try to keep their children in line by ensuring they are not involved in any particular activities or holidays that disturb their meetings or spiritual lessons. In the last decade, multiple animations specifically for children have been created to teach them how to act, respond, and feel, along with the importance of not making friends outside the organization.

Do you think this pressure is what drives Jehovah’s Witnesses to be people pleasers?

Dr. Lee: “Yes, absolutely. From the very start of our lives, The Organization’s teachings communicate to every small child that they are inherently bad. The only semblance of redemption they can achieve is based on how well they follow all the rules and jump through the hoops set out for them. As a five-year-old boy, I gave presentations at people’s doors. Starting right when I could read and write. I gave my first public talk when I was seven years old.”

As a Jehovah’s Witness girl, I heard the word “Obey” every day. It was one of my first words. At a very young age, I learned how to keep quiet while going door to door and giving presentations to strangers. If I was misbehaving according to the organization’s standards- I felt I was not showing love to my parents or Jehovah. This people-pleasing perspective in a child’s mind is one of the reasons why abuse happens so often in religious settings. They don’t want to hurt feelings or disobey, so they are compliant. Of course, who is the ruler of this big evil world? Satan. Who is your number one protector from the world? God. What God says goes. Who does God use to guide others by his word in this organization? The Governing Body. This is what the Organization teaches. So, while children who grow up in this organization are friendly and genuine, they are also strictly trained to comply.

Dr. Lee: “Here’s what you need to do to gain approval as a Jehovah’s Witness child: You make comments at the meetings, you sit still (even though that’s a challenging thing for a little kid to do), and you’re expected to behave, be good, and stay silent. You’re also told never to show anger, cry too much, or make a fuss. On top of that, you’re given extra instructions, like, “By the way, if you’re talking to kids at school, make sure to mention Jehovah.” Everything revolves around the thought, “I’ll get in trouble if I don’t do what they want me to do, and I’ll get what I think is love if I follow all the rules.” It starves your autonomy, and your lifestyle reflects their control tactics. They dictate, “This is who you are,” but it’s not truly authentic to who you are.

Understanding Emotions

Jehovah’s Witness children are taught not to trust their thoughts, feelings, opinions, or preferences but rather to become mere extensions of their parents (If devout witnesses), losing their identity, autonomy, authenticity, and will, becoming nothing more than a shell to be filled with whatever hierarchy of this organization decides. This hierarchy takes over as authority figures along with the parents. In the Jehovah’s Witness Organization, these authoritative figures are called elders, overseers, and the Governing Body. The tier of authority and how many there are to “guide” the children are everywhere. This also includes obeying the elderly and other members of the congregation, even strangers they may go door to door with. The organization also steers its members to believe that confiding in local government authorities that take criminal matters into the hands of the law- is less important than bringing a serious concern to their local body of elders.

Dr. Lee: “There’s no space for authentic emotion, and since there isn’t, there’s no opportunity to deal with confusing feelings. It’s all suppressed. The anger, sadness, or frustration becomes something you need to push down. If you’re sad? Maybe you should pray more, read your Bible, or study the Watchtower. Children become emotionally crippled.

Then, there’s the teaching to be deeply afraid of the world—convinced that Satan dominates everything. That people who seem nice are worldly, and that’s how Satan gets to you. You can’t trust the outside world, nor can you trust your inner self, because your heart is deceitful. So, they essentially incapacitate a child from the moment they are born.”

By now, for the child, the twisted terms of “unconditional love,” obedience, and being complacent are done, and the child grows into a teenager/young adult, believing these things will make him loved by God, his parents, and friends. Unfortunately, love for yourself is not deemed necessary compared to the love you should have for God. In reality, a Jehovah’s Witness kid may suffer from things like an underdeveloped sense of self, enmeshment trauma, codependency, mirroring, masking, people pleasing, approval seeking, and validation seeking, all in a desperate attempt to feel some semblance of self-worth to feel love and belonging. This becomes normality to them, to where others’ opinions, beliefs, and personalities are confusing. There is always hope; if you were raised in this organization and are coming to terms with how you were raised, you are not alone. Seeking therapy and support can aid you in building your self-autonomy. This article is not just about personal stories and a recovery therapist’s opinion; it is noticed worldwide. In the following article that will be published soon, Part Two- ‘It’s not Love: The Struggles of Young Adults in the Jehovah’s Witness Organization,’ we dive into the complications of finding your sense of self, creating healthy boundaries, and exploring your sexual attraction to others.

Below are a few links to AvoidJW articles containing news, documents, and day-by-day trials regarding Governments addressing how children are treated in this organization. There are hundreds of articles online about how Jehovah’s Witnesses treat children.

Links:

AltWordly: Br. Lett “Babies are little enemies of God’ Recap

Czech Republic: Jehovah’s Witnesses Fear De-Registration Status

USA: From Shadows to Sentences: PA AG Grandy Jury’s Fight Against Predators

New Zealand: Case Study into Jehovah’s Witnesses

The Price We Pay: The Norway vs. Watchtower Appeal of 2024