JEHOVAH’S
WITNESSES
More than 10 years revealing secrets because there is no excuse for secrecy in religion – w1997 June 1; Dan 2:47; Matt 10:26; Mark 4:22; Luke 12:2; Acts 4:19, 20.
JEHOVAH’S
WITNESSES
More than 10 years revealing secrets because there is no excuse for secrecy in religion – w1997 June 1; Dan 2:47; Matt 10:26; Mark 4:22; Luke 12:2; Acts 4:19, 20.
Part Three: Marriages and the elderly
Published By: Miss Usato on April 20th, 2025
In this article, ‘It’s not Love’ part 3 – Marriages and the elderly, we explore how the Jehovah’s Witness organization enforces strict expectations on marriages and their elderly members. Behind the image of spiritual unity lies a pattern of emotional neglect, suppressed individuality, and profound loneliness, especially among older couples who have remained loyal to the faith for decades. Many elderly Jehovah’s Witnesses suffer in silence within loveless or emotionally abusive marriages, discouraged from separating or seeking personal peace out of fear of displeasing God or the threat of disfellowshipping. I am not saying that every single Marriage or elderly Jehovah’s Witness has a loveless life. This article is to help open the eyes of those who may be confused, depressed, and in need of advice on this specific topic. This article has quotes from former and still active Jehovah’s Witnesses who will remain anonymous.
Dr. Lee, a former Jehovah’s Witness and now a practicing therapist, shares insight into the emotional toll the organization’s teachings take on marriages and elderly members. Dr. Lee: “Jehovah’s Witness members often feel trapped in marriages they entered as teenagers without autonomy, choice, or healthy models of emotional intimacy. Fear has a strong hold in marriages that don’t mend well, which also goes for devoting your whole life as a witness when older. They are told to endure and wait for the new system. But what happens when you’ve spent your whole life waiting, and nothing comes?”
The Marital Dynamic
Jehovah’s Witnesses view a threefold cord marriage as a spiritual bond that includes the husband and wife and Jehovah God as the third “cord,” a concept rooted in the scripture Ecclesiastes 4:12.
They view Jehovah as the central part of the marriage and that his involvement in your decisions, routines, and thought processes “strengthens” it spiritually and emotionally. This “godly order” can sound innocent enough, but it can lead to some really toxic dynamics, especially when their doctrines are prioritized over emotional well-being. In this type of Marriage dynamic, the husband is the “head,” who is used to making decisions and can dominate or silence wives rather than lead with empathy and humility. The wife must submit to and encourage her husband’s role. If problems arise in the marriage, praying and waiting on Jehovah for the answers is the main advice. If they cannot figure it out, elders are invited to become involved in the matter. It is a disfellowshipping offense to divorce, unless there was sexual immorality.
How would you characterize the organization’s approach to marriage and its dynamics?
Dr Lee “Honestly, it’s pretty Awful, I’d say toxic and very tricky. Marriage already has so many dynamics that can be problematic even without involving religion. I have met so many Jehovah’s Witnesses who got married at 18 because they wanted to have sex, and that’s why many Jehovah’s Witnesses do. So, they completely skip over the critical part in your life, to learn about yourself first. Not many know this, and it may seem silly or “too late,” but learning to know and love yourself is important to a healthy dynamic with anyone, in any matter. Having multiple partners before you buckle down can also give you a sense of what you like and want, but not everyone goes that route. Instead of promoting individuality, the Organization locks marriages into a lifetime agreement -This threefold cord arrangement with god and for someone they may have just been horny for at 18.”
In the Jehovah’s Witness world, marriage is often rushed and idealized. Discouraged from dating freely or exploring healthy relationships, young people are funneled into lifelong commitments, often by the age of 18 or 19. The motivation? Not typically love. Not typically compatibility, but the pressure to “avoid fornication.” The teachings elevate virginity above emotional maturity and abstinence above relational wisdom.
Anonymous-Mary, Jehovah’s Witness: “I felt pressured to marry my husband when we turned 18. Not from him, but everyone else in the congregation. Eyes were always on us; we were never alone. It’s expected of you to marry after dating for a while, and of course, we wanted to have sex. It seemed like the only right thing we could do was to get married. It’s been 14 years now. I still love him and know he loves me, but so many differences are hard to ignore.”
A few references to Jehovah’s Witnesses’ publications regarding this topic:
The Watchtower, November 1, 1986, p. 30 – “Questions From Readers”
“Some may marry simply because they cannot control their sexual urges. The apostle Paul did say: ‘If they do not have self-control, let them marry, for it is better to marry than to be inflamed with passion.’ (1 Corinthians 7:9) However, Christian marriage is not just a license for sexual intimacy. It is a lifelong commitment…”
Marrying in Honor – The Watchtower, 1960
“Today when Jehovah’s dedicated witnesses get engaged to marry, they may have no sexual intercourse with each other before they are formally married… If they do not exercise self-control… they commit fornication.”
Trapped Without Autonomy
Many times when Jehovah’s Witnesses marry, they do so without knowing who they even are, causing confusion, worry, and needing the approval of the other that they are normal. Eventually, this confusing marriage that’s bonds are fully entwined with the religious doctrine; many years can go by without exploring your wants and needs. This turns into a toxic environment, and you ‘put up’ with each other’s differences because you think it’s an act of love.
Dr Lee: “Many become locked into a Lifeless marriage. Once in a while, yes, one finds someone aligned with what they like and want in a person, and that’s the exception. The Organization holds these marriages to a standard, and it’s another version of “If you’re unhappy, there’s something wrong with you” -so they continue to internalize this shame, and try to make it work even though it does not.”
Sex becomes the starting point of marriage, not the fruit of a solid foundation. And when the high of desire fades, many couples find themselves trapped in mismatched, emotionally hollow partnerships with no fundamental tools for communication or growth
Dr. Lee: “When you marry quickly, you are robbed of sensual development milestones, such as forming your own identity separate from your parents. Dating, sex, and experiences at school, learning how to integrate with other people, how to become social, what you like and don’t care for. These things are so important. Learning all these things while married is extremely difficult; it can be done, but typically not without some space, mutual understanding, and respecting your partner to grow how they need to.”
Being a Jehovah’s Witness often means surrendering personal autonomy, but for women in this organization, that sacrifice runs especially deep.
Wives -“Be submissive”
How does the Organization view wives?
Dr. Lee: “Well, for starters, the man is the head of the household. That means he needs to be in charge. This speaks out that aside from locking people into unhappy marriages, they also reinforce abusive marriages. Women are there to be housewives. If she speaks out or has a rule or boundary, that’s problematic, and then they look down on the family because the husband should be keeping his wife in line.”
As shown in the previous two articles of ‘It’s not Love.’ -From a young age, girls are taught that their highest virtue lies in submission—not only to God, but to male authority figures at every level: elders, husbands, even congregation overseers. The organization’s interpretation of “headship” leaves little room for a woman’s independent decision-making, especially within marriage. A wife is expected to support her husband’s choices, even if they conflict with her own values, comfort, or emotional well-being. This expectation isn’t just cultural doctrine; publications and congregational discipline reinforce it. Choices about careers, friendships, education, and even healthcare often require a kind of silent negotiation with male authority. As a result, many women feel emotionally stifled, unheard, and spiritually cornered—trapped in a role they didn’t choose, with no safe path to question it without being labeled rebellious or “spiritually weak.”
Anonymous, Rose, Former Jehovah’s Witness: “As a Jehovah’s Witness, I definitely did not like the constant reminder that I didn’t have much of a say regarding big decisions for the family, or even just myself. It was degrading and depressing. In time, I noticed I was basically a female version of my husband. My marriage is over now, and I have been shunned by the family I called my own since.. But there were so many issues with both of us, and I am happier than I was feeling stuck. I found someone who respects me. I look back at that woman who was so unhappy, surprised that that was actually me. I do know of marriages in the Organization who are doing good, so yeah, I agree- it’s not all of them. But I can make my own decisions now, that’s the best part. Its not too late to change yourself.”
A few references to Jehovah’s Witness publications regarding Woman being in submission:
“What Does Headship in Marriage Really Mean?” – Awake!, January 2008
“As the ‘head of his wife,’ the husband is to take the lead in the family, with the wife following his lead and respecting his headship.”
“Women, Why Submit to Headship?” – Watchtower, May 15, 2010
“God’s Word tells the wife to maintain a submissive attitude toward the unbelieving husband. Her good conduct can influence him to consider what it is that motivates her to behave in such a fine manner.”
“Wifely Subjection—What Does It Mean?” – Awake!, 1996
“The primary goal and spirit of a wife’s godly subjection is to please Jehovah by cooperating with her husband and supporting his decisions.”
Divorce in the Organization
Can Jehovah’s Witnesses get Divorced?
Dr. Lee: “The Organization has strict scriptural grounds regarding divorce. It also enforces abusive marriages. Many have marriages where the man was abusive in some way, and the wife can beg to have a divorce, but unless it’s sleeping with another woman or man, it is not scripturally correct to have a divorce. If they hit you, what did you do for him to want to do that? It’s all about victim blame.”
Divorce is taboo. Counseling is rare and often ineffective, since any advice must align with theocratic principles rather than modern psychology.
Anonymous, Mike, Former Jehovah’s Witness: “My wife and I have been counseled a few times by elders about our marriage. Some have even asked questions about what we do in the bedroom! They know everything, or at least try to. Looking back, it’s so creepy. My wife and I were fortunate to grow up together and fall in love. That didn’t happen for most of my family, though. Some have the most boring, lifeless marriages, and I feel bad for them. We woke up around the same time, and I’ve been in therapy, REAL counseling.. but the hardest part was getting those elders off our backs.”
Women suffer in silence, especially in congregations where male headship is harshly enforced. Men bottle their dissatisfaction. And both sides fear confiding in anyone, lest it be seen as “negative talk” or spiritual weakness.
Notice something very wrong with the elders’ manual reference shown below? Divorce in the organization is only scripturally okay if it involves sexual immorality. Not if you were physically or sexually abused yourself, not because you guys have differences, not because you just wanted to. This instantly removes our critical thinking and diminishes our wants and needs.
Jehovah’s Witness publication: 2024 Elders Manual – Chapter 12: Determining Scriptural Freedom to Remarry
One partner in, one partner out
What have you personally seen with marriages when one person wakes up from the Organization, while the other is still in?
Dr. Lee: “That is its own challenge, especially when there is love there, but now we have two people living in two different worlds. Sometimes people can make it work if the partner who is still in is somewhat liberal and accepting that they love them, ‘even if I won’t see them in paradise.’ It’s pretty much a death sentence for the marriage if they are not aligned. If you have so many ties and so many years, it’s much harder not to feel selfish for wanting different things from your partner. It’s not selfish, though; it really is a tough situation.
If there is no communication, and one is thriving and learning about themselves while the other is not, they are, in a way, doomed. Being a Jehovah’s Witness is about embracing stagnation. ‘I need to be the same, and keep being the same until death comes, and then we will be free,’ then someone wakes up, going ‘oh my god, I have been stagnant, I want to do all the things.’ The person waking up will feel hindered and limited by the judgmental lens of their partner. So their growth will be stunted, and then it’ll be upsetting for their partner, who is saying the same thing. Then, all of a sudden, their partner has different needs and wants and becomes a stranger overnight. Some people will cling to it because it’s all they know and will have that sunk cost fallacy, thinking there is nothing else out there in life for them.”
By the time you are an adult and a Jehovah’s Witness, you have no idea how to handle different situations that bother the mental shield the organization has created for you. Leaving this organization can be difficult because once you’re out, you almost have to mimic others around you to feel more normal. You want to learn how to act and understand the social norms you may have missed. I’m not saying these social norms are wrong or bad; we are not comfortable with new so the odd feeling you get when trying something new so normal -you just didn’t know about them. This was me, and also Dr. Lee, having to Google everything confusing to us because we were not in touch with social norms, terms, media, etc.
Anonymous, Corina, Former Jehovah’s Witness: “It all happened so slowly, but now it feels like a constant storm between us. My husband is still very conflicted. I woke up about a year ago through my ‘worldly’ brother. I planned on expressing my concerns about the religion’s teachings in the most gentle ways, backed up by documents and articles. I have a pile of evidence from online, but when I presented it, it came off as an attack on him. It seems his love for Jehovah and his family are more important. It clicked after some time had passed that I wouldn’t want to be with someone who wouldn’t listen to me. We are separated, unsure what to do at the moment.”
It’s Important for me to express that not every Jehovah’s Witness marriage is doomed, toxic, or just a bad setup. Some find the love of their lives in the Organization, and some get out together or decide they are happier as Jehovah’s Witnesses. It depends on each individual’s personality and what they feel is necessary to be happy.
It takes more than just leaving the Organization and starting over; it takes building and growing, separate and together, so that you can thrive in a relationship full of trust, loyalty, boundaries, and love.
A lifelong Investment
Something to be wary of
Anonymous, Anthony, Former Jehovah’s Witness: “I almost woke my mother up, but she is in her eighties. It already hurt her knowing that ‘the truth’ was not the truth for me. It deeply disturbed her, and she won’t hear anything ‘negative’ about the Organization. It’s different for her who has spent her life this way. She’s older, and basically telling her she’s missed out on so much, and that there’s no paradise or resurrection.. It would break both of our hearts. I felt it best to keep the peace, and if she wishes to question the teachings, she knows I am here… Otherwise, I would rather not shatter her core beliefs.”
Being an elderly person in the Jehovah’s Witness community can be complex because they have spent all or most of their life as a Jehovah’s Witness. They grew up with these teachings. The publications were their lifeline and advisor. The conventions and assemblies are their social gatherings. Field service to them is doing good in God’s eyes. Their habits and routines are typically surrounded by what the Organization expects out of you, forever. They may have turned down higher education and careers and, for sure, have denied family milestones like birthdays or holidays. This deep investment can make it very difficult to question or walk away from the belief system, even if doubts arise. I do not want to say it’s “too late” for them, because you can always change whenever you want.
But if you have an older family member who is thoroughly indoctrinated in this organization, a decision to wake them up should be heavily considered. What would be best for them at their age, and in their hard-pressed mental state?
Suppression of Individual Thought
Jehovah’s Witnesses are encouraged to avoid independent thinking and instead rely on the Governing Body for spiritual guidance. For elderly members who have followed these teachings for decades, there may be a lifelong habit of suppressing personal doubts or critical thoughts to stay “faithful.” Expressing disagreement or asking the wrong questions can lead to isolation or even disfellowshipping.
Confusion Around Doctrinal Changes
Over the years, the organization has made numerous doctrinal changes (often called “new light”), such as revisions in beliefs about the generation that would see Armageddon or blood transfusions. For older members who were taught one thing in the 1960s or 1970s and now hear something different, this can create confusion or cognitive dissonance. Yet they’re expected to accept the new teachings without question.
Fear of Losing Community
As people age, their social support becomes especially important. For elderly Jehovah’s Witnesses, the congregation may be their entire world. The threat of disfellowshipping (being cut off completely) for challenging teachings can make it incredibly hard to speak up or even admit internal conflict.
Existential Pressure
There’s often an intense focus on being “worthy” for survival during Armageddon or for resurrection into paradise. For older members nearing the end of their lives, this pressure can create anxiety: ‘Have I done enough? Will I make it?’ This is compounded if their health is failing or if they’ve experienced loss and are trying to reconcile that with the promises of the faith.
The scheme of donating to the Organization
Another important thing to know is that the Organization tends to push the elderly into donating their land, bonds, precious items, etc., to the Organization for when they pass. A November 2015 article, “Show Appreciation for Jehovah’s Generosity,” gives them various ways to contribute to their worldwide work, heavily adding that Jehovah wants them to be generous, and this would be the last thing they could do for Jehovah. They bring up:
Please be aware of the tight clutch the Organization has on the fully devoted elderly Jehovah’s Witnesses, who can easily be persuaded.
So, is it Love?
Behind the polished meetings and smiling faces, children are learning about what the Organization wants, rather than what’s good for them. There are teenagers battling depression, anxiety, and the heavy weight of conditional love. Young adults and married couples tend to feel confused, lost, stagnant, and unable to express what is going on, but the uneasy feeling is there. Then there are the elderly, some who feel content with the limited and constricting lifestyle – the only one they know. These articles aren’t attacks—they are lifelines. They are cries for empathy, understanding, and change.
To love someone truly means to see them, to hear them, and to walk beside them—even when their path takes them beyond the walls of the Kingdom Hall. You do not have to be with someone to love them, but loving yourself is the most important thing. The truth is that Love does NOT endure all things. Love shouldn’t require shunning. Love shouldn’t diminish your self-worth. Love shouldn’t withstand abuse of any sort. Love shouldn’t remove your critical thinking, boundaries, and life experiences. Love shouldn’t make you lose touch with yourself or reality. All of these articles of ‘It’s not love’ boil down to the fact that if the love you are receiving and giving is conditional, that is not love.
Aiding Transparency to Watchtowers teachings. If you have additional information about this topic or would like to reach the author- Please email [email protected]