Now That's What I Call Nonsense 2

Extract from the Book of Memos

From: God
To: Satan
Date: Tuesday, the breezy part of the day, March 20th, 3996 BCE
Okay – you ruined everything for the human race. You’ve really messed up. I have not only cursed them, but cursed the snake as well.

 

From: Satan
To: God
Date: Wednesday morning, March 21th, 3996 BCE
You cursed the snake? Mate! I made the snake talk. You’re basically cursing a puppet.

 

From: God
To: Satan
Date: Wednesday evening, March 21th, 3996 BCE
I had to curse the snake. I made up some expression about bruising of heads and heels. It looked really cool when I said it I and had to curse the snake to make it work. Looking back, it wasn’t such a good idea, but it will look good in print.
By the way, the boys and I have had a think and decided to leave the world in your power to teach the humans a lesson.

 

From: Satan
To: God
Date: Thursday lunch time, March 22nd, 3996 BCE
You’re leaving me the world to rule? All of it? Can I do what I like?

 

From: God
To: Satan
Date: Thursday suppertime, March 22nd, 3996 BCE
Whatever you like.

 

From: Satan
To: God
Date: Thursday night, March 22nd, 3996 BCE
Okay. First thing, I’m going to lift the curse on the snake.

 

From: God
To: Satan
Date: Friday mornming, March 23rd, 3996 BCE
Satan! Leave the damn snake alone. Now go and do your worst. The world is totally in your power.

 

From: Satan
To: God
Date: Sunday afternoon, November 18th 2,347 BCE
Dude! A flood? Really? I thought I was in power here. What’s going on?

 

From: God
To: Satan
Date: Sunday evening, November 18th 2,347 BCE
Do you know how boring it is being an all-powerful being with nothing to do?

Later in time

From: Satan
To: God
Date: Sunday coffee break, January 26th, 1,400 BCE
Oh come on, God!
First it was the flood, then the first born in Egypt, all of Pharaoh’s troops, and now the people of Jericho?
I haven’t killed anyone yet and I’m supposed to be the bad guy.

 

From: God
To: Satan
Date: Monday midday, January 27th, 1,400 BCE
Stop nagging. I have a statement piece line up where I throw you and your mates down to the earth (I have a “woe to the earth” piece for this – you’ll love it).

 

From: Satan
To: God
Date: Tuesday evening, January 28th, 1,400 BCE
What will be the difference? I can already do what I like. How will that be any worse for the human race?

 

From: God
To: Satan
Date: Tuesday night, January 28th, 1,400 BCE
Yeah – I never thought about that, but I have that juicy little scripture lined up about hurling down the original serpent, so it stays.

 

From: Satan
To: God
Date: Wednesday morning, January 29th, 1,400 BCE
The snake again? Get over it!

 

From: God
To: Satan
Date: Wednesday noon, January 29th, 1,400 BCE
And then my good angels will battle with you and your demon hordes. You will be thrown into the abyss.

Later in time

From: Satan
To: God
Date: Friday morning, September 11th, 1914 CE
Wow! Chill out, pal. It’s been a while and I ought to point out that it’s coming to the end of the seventh day. You remember the seventh day – the one of rest? You’ve been busy, busy, busy! Tell you what; how about we meet up for a couple of drinks? You can unwind; we can shoot the breeze and see how things go from there.

 

From: God
To: Satan
Date: Friday afternoon, September 11th, 1914 CE
Actually, that sounds good. Just one pre-battle drink though. Next month is October – the BIG one – and I have to have a clear head! I have some great plans for Armageddon and I need to make sure you can make it.

 

From: The barman of the Cosmic Arms
To: Jesus
Date: Sunday closing time, January 26th, 2020 CE
Can you come and pick up your dad please? He’s been here for over a century and I think he might have missed an important date.

 

NOW That's What I Call Nonsense
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Grant Davis

A former member of Jehovah's Witness. Now a professional writer.

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